Now approaching a week until my departure date I am beginning to feel a sense of urgency and anxiety about the preparation portion of my adventure. Running around ensuring that every aspect of my existence in the United States is taken care of is exhausting in and of itself, let alone preparing for 7 months living in a foreign land without the comforts of home, or at least the familiar. Not to mention that my brand new, body bag of a suitcase broke and I couldn't find my receipt to return it so I had to print out my credit card statement to prove that I bought....lets just say there is never a dull moment. Regardless, the nice folks at TJ Maxx allowed me to exchange the suitcase, so crisis avoided on that front!
Even more nerve-wracking is the the fact that I willingly quitting my job in the middle of a double dip recession (or whatever this economic-psycho-social phenomenon is). As of Friday, I was officially unemployed. The rational part of my brain is in a tailspin of sorts, continually reminding the not-so-rational part that quitting a stable job in the middle of the worst economic crisis in my lifetime to move 7000 miles away for half a year with no source of guaranteed or stable income, might not be the most responsible thing to do.
But the most heart pumping, nerve pulling yet fascinating part of the preparation process is coming eye to eye with my own mortality. Death, final wishes and arrangements are not things most 29 year olds willingly think about - that's not to say that they shouldn't. Needless to say, I have had to think about things such as: emergency evacuation, repatriation of remains, and my final wishes. I guess the benefit of thinking about ones own mortality is the reality check, or better yet, the perspective realignment that happens when we have to think about our own deaths or the deaths of our loved ones.
Truth be told, the fear of death is often times a control issue.. We cannot control when someone's time is up, including our own. All those ridiculous cliches ( I hate cliches, they are the bane of my existence as a writer.) about "live life to the fullest" or "never go to bed angry" have become popular cliches for a reason! Yeah, life might be really crappy when you look at the small details, but if you open your eyes, your mind, and your heart to the big picture, for most of us it really isn't that bad at all. In fact, it is kind of badass. (For those of you unfamiliar with the term "badass".....its a good thing.)
That's enough thinking about death for now, time to get back to living life and packing...uggghh!
I much prefer Rilke's words about life and death to the cliches mentioned above.
Death Experience
Ranier Maria Rilke
translation: Cliff Crego
We know nothing of this going away, that
shares nothing with us. We have no reason,
whether astonishment , and love or hate,
to display Death, whom a fantastic mask
of tragic lament astonishingly disfigures.
Now the world is still full of roles we play
as long as we make sure, that, like it or not,
Death plays too, although he does not please us.
But when you left, a strip of reality broke
upon the stage through the very opening
through which you vanished: Green, true green,
true sunshine, true forest.
We continue our play, picking up gestures
now and then, and anxiously reciting
that which was difficult to learn; but you're far away,
removed out of our performance existence,
sometimes overcomes us, as an awareness
descending upon us of this very reality,
so that for a while we play Life,
rapturously, not thinking of any applause.
Check out this episode of Re: Sound that aired Saturday, 19 August.
Episode #86: The Death Show
PS. I want to be cremated and I want Redemption Song by Bob Marley to be played at my final life celebration party.
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